The location in Port Solent, near Portsmouth, a
naval base which has in the past been used for testing
torpedoes....would it survive a crack team from
the Scuba Trust elite…..and if the elite team
couldn’t turn up, would the following be able
to cause enough hassle for the good name of the
Scuba Trust to be kept intact?
The Expedition was
led by Gill “The Chief” Cullwick,
supported by the Speed Merchant. Transportation
of expedition equipment was in the capable hands
of Driver Well ‘ard who was operating under
the name of proprietor of Diving Dreams dive school,
Mr Andrew Wood. Mr Wood was ably assisted by Colin
“Sharon” Osbourne. The role of keeping
these two within UK waters fell to Dave “The
Beard” Mileham, Carol “too warm for
a woolley” Illing, and James “Robocop”
Davenport.
The Green party was represented
by Geoffrey, his daughter Emma and his jokes.
Susie “whoops, there goes the mask”
Rusby drew the short straw (well, it was more
a short fat Irish straw) and was lumbered with
Debbie “Posh chick” Brinkley, Julie
“Glastonbury’s for whimps” Kaye
and Jamie “we can understand him better
when he’s underwater” Heron. Guy “Pot-boy”
Walker kept the enemy at bay on land for the duration
of the weekend.
Ali “Fruit and Veg”
Norris dived with The Beard on Saturday but then
moved onto greater things on Sunday, keeping an
eye on Well’ard’s navigation skills.
Alan “The Dancer” Kenny played his
cards right and got a lie in on Saturday morning,
deciding to join us for dinner on the Saturday
night and partake in Sunday’s session.
The Crates (Paul and Danny)
set out on Saturday morning but Danny couldn’t
resist a few warm up laps of the M25 before his
dive. He then got into an endurance race with
an Eddie Stobert lorry and an RAC Knight of the
Road, so Paul couldn’t turn up until Sunday
morning.
The Scuba Trust backup Elite
team pitched up at their pre-arranged parking
spot. Gill had organised the trip to military
precision to such an extent that Jamie could park
within four chubby steps of the only burger van
on the base. Well’ard conducted the site
briefing, backed up by stories of
how the French Submarines blew a hole in the Prisoner
of War camp at the time of the Romans, who never
did anything for us except build a really wide
but quite short dive site. To be honest, the story
was a bit dull, and I didn’t catch all the
details, but at least it stopped us having to
listen to one of Geoff’s jokes.
The Scuba Trust entered the
water like only the Scuba Trust can. OK signals
were discarded, replaced by comments about brass
monkeys and suggestions as to the accuracy of
Well’ard’s data on water temperature.
Rumours that the figures were quoted in Fahrenheit
instead of Celsius surrounded the camp after the
Trust’s first trip in anything other than
tropical waters. The first dive was somewhat uneventful…….at
least until we hit the water. Susie let Jamie
practise his Paddy Mask Recovery skill.
A successful dive was followed
with a text book debrief, conducted by Carol.
It was agreed by all that it wasn’t a jessie
thing to admit to requiring a woolley bear, especially
since Jamie found it necessary to dive in his
balaclava. Susie offered her opinion of visibility,
based on ten years of diving. A low flying helicopter
drowned out her voice slightly, but I think she
said it was like diving in a Sucket of Bite. We
don’t have those in Ireland, so I don’t
know what she meant.
Saturday evening involved
the second Scuba Trust ice cream eat in. Various
tactics were employed, from the sublime “I
don’t like chocolate” from Well’ard
to the ridiculous “I think I’ll have
the nachos for a starter, then the largest steak
on the menu” from Colin.
Starters were mostly dispensed
with, although the record should show that Colin
and Geoff braved the beast. Main course was a
bit of a non event, other than the fact that Well’ard
tried to hide half a plate of scampi under a leaf
of lettuce. I know, I’ve no idea what the
lettuce was doing on his plate in the first place
either….rumours circulated that he stole
it from Alan’s plate. Luckily, the Irish
one had the foresight to ensure that the plate
of chips put before Well’ard (who was the
favourite challenger to the Ice Cream title) was
sufficiently stacked with a triple portion of
chips, after the waitress had been tipped off.
The virginal nature of the
Scuba Trust Ice Cream challenge raised its head
when it transpired that there were no rules and
that Well’ard decided that 3 Raspberry Sundaes
equalled the Chocolate Monster. Well’ard
was only given admission to the competition when
he ordered another 2 sundaes. Other participants
included the Heron (reigning champion), the Davenport
(complete outsider), the Kaye/Rusby combo, the
Walker/Brinkley “win a trip” couple
and just for a laugh, because we knew he was going
to be sick, Colin “the Vomit Comet”
Osbourne.
Onlookers shared in the spirit.
True to form, the early pace was set by Well’ard,
downing the first Raspberry Girl Sundae in a matter
of seconds. The writing was on the wall when it
was discovered that Five Bellies Heron couldn’t
stomach the brownies. Luckily, sleight of hand
meant that he successfully dumped all the offending
brownies into the Kaye/Rusby and Walker/Brinkley
goblets. However, all this was in vain, since
Raspberry Girl was well into his fourth sundae.
Then a cry of “Done” came from Robocop.
He’d only gone and eaten the entire lot
in about 4 and a half minutes, brownies and all!!!
So, a new champion was declared.
A special award for winner of the most raspberry
sundaes went to Mr Well’ard, although this
was withdrawn when it was discovered that he managed
to eat all five chocolate flakes. This feat of
gluttony ruled out his previous excuse of not
going for the Monster because he doesn’t
like chocolate. Go figure!!!
About 4 hours after everyone
had gone to bed, Colin finished his third chocolate
sundae and promised, with the Trust as his witness,
that he would never touch nachos again. It was
also around this time that the Irishman phoned
home, using the big white telephone in his bathroom.
Sunday morning came bright
and early in the form of a cooked breakfast. As
the Trust made its way to the dive site, expert
navigation by Well’ard “Choccie”
Woods ensured that we managed to retain our pitch,
right beside the burger van.
The diving on Sunday got off
to a good start. Apparently, Paul had taken advice
from Susie regarding visibility and ensured that
he was visible at all times, by wearing a tropical
coloured wetsuit, last modelled in the PADI Open
Water manual. Danny forgot his weightbelt but
was able to substitute it with an array of gold
medals that he recently picked up at the European
games.
Various members of the Trust
took great leaps forward in their progression
towards achieving their Knot Tying specialty,
all electing to use lines with a reel attached
at one end and an SMB at the other.
And so drew Sunday evening,
the end of the first Scuba Trust UK dive trip.
For some, the weekend was remembered as their
first chance to dive in the gin clear waters of
the Channel, for others it was a chance to show
that even seasoned UK divers squeal when the water
first runs down the back of a semi-dry.
Special thanks to Gill for all their hard work, ensuring that the
weekend was one of the highlights of the Scuba
Trust year.
Roll on Horsea II - the return
of the Chocolate Monster.
